fooled by mgm grand. west wing = boo.

The MGM Grand website describes its West Wing rooms as "sleek," "stylish" and "modern." It reminds you there's a Bose radio in here. I'll describe my West Wing room as "tiny," feeling like a "space-age coffin," and equipped with a "broken telephone." And I'd like to remind you there's no fucking bathtub in here.

That's not to say that a weekend at the MGM was a total wash, or that a stay in the West Wing was uncomfortable. But in the pantheon of recently remodeled, modernized hotel rooms on the Strip, these are particularly unimpressive, especially since the rates for this weekend were about the same for a room in the Grand Tower of the same resort. The high points were the big robo-shower, a cozy bed and quick access to Las Vegas Boulevard without having to tromp through the entire casino (particularly important since we were back-and-forthing it to the Monte Carlo for two days). A room service order of bacon cheeseburger and Asian chicken salad at 3 a.m. was delicious but not easy to fully enjoy without enough space to afford the rolling food cart. Another low point was walking into the room for the first time and being greeted by the toilet before all else. "Design rules," says the website. Ha.

The West Wing bar (pictured) should have been a cool urban haven between the walkabouts, but in the daytime, thanks to the red glass doors that lead from here to the ultra-tacky Grand Canyon Experience mega-gift shop next door, this bar is where tired fat people go to die. The sandals-with-socks crowd, no doubt exhausted from Strip walking, sneak in here to find comfy couches and it's all over. Needless to say, this is not what you want to see when you come off the elevator, on the way to dinner, looking for a nice hip drinkhole. Fix this, MGM. All it takes is a big broom.

Elsewhere on the property, margaritas, taquitos, salsas and queso fundido are top-flight at Diego, the pink and somewhat forgotten restaurant at the back of the Studio Walk. Even better is the fried egg, bacon and bleu cheese sandwich at Wichcraft, one of the best hangover meals ever consumed. And the pool -- or more appropriately, collection of pools littered with spiked Slurpee distribution centers -- should get a good grade as well, even though there weren't enough spaces to lounge on Sunday. Despite this being the opening weekend for dayclub Wet Republic, the douchebaggery was minimal. With that egg sandwich in your guts, perfect spring sunshine on your body, and an orange frozen mess tasting of rum and mint in your hand, you really can't complain. The MGM has plenty to offer, but next time I'm sampling I'll get a suite.

it's not on fire.

Got a wedding coming up this weekend, and the out-of-towners have chosen the Monte Carlo as their headquarters. Room rates being what they are, it's a solid choice: mid-level resorts like this one, New York-New York, Luxor and TI are among the top Vegas bargains right now, offering up all-inclusive amenities, plenty of dining and drinking options, and proximity to other Strip action for a fraction of the cost seen in '08 or '07.

The Monte Carlo, currently operated by MGM Mirage, opened in 1996 and despite a vague European theme is better known as the home of cheesy magician Lance Burton and Vegas' longtime resident fancy French chef, Andre Rochat. (Now that his original downtown restaurant has closed, Rochat has Andre's here and Alize at the Palms.) In the last couple years, as nightclub operations like Pure Management Group and Light Group took over the Strip, the Monte Carlo has been touched up with more modern venues such as Brand Steakhouse and Diablo's Cantina, both operated by Light. And of course, the top floor of the hotel famously caught on fire in early '08.

Upon my post college return to Vegas, UNLV buddies introduced me to the Monte Carlo Brew Pub, which has always been a somewhat unexplainable draw for locals. The draft beer selection is fine, sandwiches and pizzas are okay, it's quiet when it needs to be and it hosts live bands most nights. If I'm making this place sound mediocre, you're welcome. Mediocrity is pretty much the theme here. The most exciting thing going on at the Monte Carlo is lunchtime at the food court, and that has nothing to do with the new selection of tacos at Rubio's. CityCenter looms next door, so all day long you can catch construction workers moving in and out on their breaks. As a 10-plus year-old hotel-casino, Monte Carlo is somewhat forgotten in the shadows of bigger and better, and it will be interesting (to me) to see what becomes of it when (ever) CityCenter opens.

Overall, skip it. As far as I can tell, the hotel rooms haven't been renovated as recently as ones at TI or Luxor. The sleek bar at Brand looks like a place I'd like to have a drink, so I think I will. Other than that, eh. I'm staying across the street this weekend.